Saturday, May 3, 2008
A Witty Young Trial Lawyer
A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
So You Want A Day Off?
So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for ok?
There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you’re gonna take that day off!
There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you’re gonna take that day off!
Top 10 Acronyms For P.M.S.
Through my 27 years of infinate wisdom (my parents always said I was a smart-ass), I’ve learned a few things. Women, yea I consider myself an expert in the female area if you know what I mean (wink) - and the most important thing I’ve learned is to stay away from a woman on her PMS days. In fact, I’ve put together a few acronyms (abbreviations) based on my experience with the syndrome.
At any rate, my top 10 Acronyms For Women During P.M.S.
1.Psychotic Mood Shift
2.Puffy Mid-Section
3.People Make me Sick
4.Pimples May Surface
5.Pass My Sweatpants
6.Perpetual Munching Spree
7.Pass My Shotgun
8.Pissy Mood Syndrome
9.Potential Murder Suspect
10.Pack My Sh*t
Now I’m not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night (with a woman, wink).
At any rate, my top 10 Acronyms For Women During P.M.S.
1.Psychotic Mood Shift
2.Puffy Mid-Section
3.People Make me Sick
4.Pimples May Surface
5.Pass My Sweatpants
6.Perpetual Munching Spree
7.Pass My Shotgun
8.Pissy Mood Syndrome
9.Potential Murder Suspect
10.Pack My Sh*t
Now I’m not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night (with a woman, wink).
It’s The Dog’s Fault, I Swear!
A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he’s also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl’s house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.
At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!”
At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!”
Dead Presidents
George W. Bush, distraught over his worsening approval rating, was jogging through Washington in search of inspiration. Taking a break upon reaching the Washington Monument, he looks up for guidance and says, “George, you were one of our greatest Presidents, what should I do?”
Suddenly, a voice is heard from above. George Washington says to George W, “Abolish the I.R.S. and start over.”
George W, amazed that he’s actually talking to a past President, continues his job and this time stops at the Jefferson Memorial. Uttering a similar question to Thomas Jefferson, America’s author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers, he asks “Thomas, you’ve never had these kinds of problems. What can I do to rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “Welfare is not working, abolish it and start over.”
Upon hearing such great advice, George gets excited and plans on going to all the historical sites for guidance. Next stop is the Lincoln Memorial to see President Abraham Lincoln, who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?” After a substantial pause Abe replies, “Take the day off George. Go the the theatre.”
Suddenly, a voice is heard from above. George Washington says to George W, “Abolish the I.R.S. and start over.”
George W, amazed that he’s actually talking to a past President, continues his job and this time stops at the Jefferson Memorial. Uttering a similar question to Thomas Jefferson, America’s author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers, he asks “Thomas, you’ve never had these kinds of problems. What can I do to rally people behind me?” Again a voice from above answers, “Welfare is not working, abolish it and start over.”
Upon hearing such great advice, George gets excited and plans on going to all the historical sites for guidance. Next stop is the Lincoln Memorial to see President Abraham Lincoln, who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. “Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?” After a substantial pause Abe replies, “Take the day off George. Go the the theatre.”
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